MRI Don't Likey At All!

Ok... so what sadistic inventor came up w/the MRI? Is it REALLY necessary to have all of the different menacing, loud noises occur during the process? It's bad enough I'm in a tube the size of... oh I don't know... a birth canal, but to place on top of it the sounds... it's again... sadistic. Hey I have an idea... let's make a machine to look inside of a human, but let's make it fun! Let's put them on a moving flat bed, conveyor like belt that pulls you into a tube the size of a birth canal, then let's add a certain, something special kind of sound. Something to the likes of oh I don't know... a bandsaw & make it super loud so it gives the patient a comfy cozy feeling like they are being pulled towards a huge revolving saw that will split them in 2 beginning at the skull! Yeah that's it! And then let's pull them back a few moves, then forwards, then back & then stop, have them hold their breath, then release a deafening alarm like sound that makes you think the hospital is being evacuated & you're being forgotten. Left to your own mind's devices. But then... there is the ever constant presence of this chirping like noise. Mweep, mweep, mweep, mweep...

But let's go back to before the chamber of horror & discontent & begin with the waiting because as the song goes... the waiting is the hardest part. So BOTH my brother & his wife come with me. I fill out more paperwork. People... I have filled the same crap out 3x's now. Can we stop already? Don't ya keep copies? Krikey! Then it was time to wait to hear my name called & that is the worst because I see people go by & I am reminded that others have it much worse off than I & it upsets me because I worry I am taking away precious time they need so that Pootwa & I are attended to. Keep in mind... I FEEL fine. No pain, nothing, nada & there are people who are so riddled w/cancer being wheelchaired by me & I just feel like they can have my space & time. I'm making cupcakes w/my niece while they're barely unable to take a step forward or breath in a solid, good full breath. So as I wait I notice the reception area & I snapped it and thought... yes... Exit stage left (If you know the whole theater term, you'd know what looks like our right is actually the actor's left. Sorry boring tid-bit, but in case you look at the pic & say the arrow is pointing right... well blah, blah, blah) But really all I could think was... Exit? Um yes thank you very much.
Finally my name is called & I am taken into a room where I am given an xtr lrg top & bottom that is disposable which cracks me up, but not as much as the actual sight of me after I have donned the only most sexy outfit EVER! Seriously... I ask you... why am I single? I mean this is a sure thing if ya ask me! Add some stilettos & hello night life!
Am I right or am I right? Well it was all fun & games until Michael my murse... YES MURSE... hands me very awesome socks that have great grip on them. Oh yeah I kept them, happily placed them on my footsies & w/no argument, obliged Michael's wishes to recline & settle into the chair, but I believe he handed them to me to obviously sweet talk me into not thinking about the next step that was needed to be taken. I had no idea they needed to inject a solution for the MRI. Well they did, but not immediately. What I had the pleasure of receiving was this lil' number which did not tickle and the thing is... YES I have tattoos, but to this day I hate... HATE shots of any kind, much less a needle that goes in & remains. As Michael stuck the needle in, my feet just went crazy. Michael made a remark to the likes of look at your feet go. I let him know that they were most certainly NOT happy feet in any way, shape or form. At this point I really wanted to wake up from this nightmare & go home. To my dismay, this was not the case. Instead I look over at my right arm and see this:
I don't like this one bit! Uh uh no way! Then Michael says he needs to go find out if "they're" ready for me. Who? The aliens that want to probe my body? Sick bastards. So here I am, trying to relax, waiting & waiting & waiting and then... it hits me... I have to pee. Ok so do I need to keep my arm level? If I let it fall will blood squirt? Is there an open/close valve on the thing? I said fuck it & bolted for the potty, did my thang while keeping my arm positioned just as you see it in the picture. One armed bandit pee-er... oh yeah... I got this one down. I get back to my chair & still no Michael. Finally a wonderful woman who's name escapes me as I could barely understand what it was through her amazingly calm Jamaican accent. Oh ya mon... she was Jamaican & she could have told me to eat shit & I would have as her voice was just that trust worthy & again... extremely calming. We walk into the big room that has a room connected which I swear looked like a recording studio & wouldn't ya know it... a hot guy sitting amongst 5 women. Great... NOW you bring in the hot guy, when I am sporting this year's oh-so stylish disposable ER scrubs... in EXTRA LARGE no less. Oh yeah... he was hooked & SO wanted to ask me out. Life is just one cruel bitch with a seriously sick sense of humor. I'm not laughing.

I am informed I can listen to music, but what style would I prefer. I joked & said heavy metal because I felt it would drown out the noises I hear are extremely disturbing & nerve wracking. I then said... just play alternative please. I go into the room, but not before requesting a pic or 2 be taken for this blog. Trying to document the best I can. Mindy, a very sweet, yet quite butch of a girl offers to do the honors. Hey... let's be honest... if Mindy was a guy... she'd be hot! See nothing like an iPhone is allowed in the actual room w/the MRI machine. Sorry Steve... until you develop an iMRI... it's a no go for you. All I can say is thank goodness I did yoga this morning because I had to first have my legs propped up in a bent position & then once in the machine, I had to take a deep breath & hold it in without exhaling, more than a few times, but I'm getting ahead of the pics. Here is the series of pics Mindy took. The last is yet another example of why I ask... WHY am I single? I mean Jason Statham could have all this.
I mean I ask you... Who would not want to transport this ass? Jason? I hear Transporter 4 calling baby & I am available!

So now you're caught up to speed to where I began. The thing I hadn't mentioned yet though was the solution that I was getting injected. Now you probably can't tell in the pics, but I had a tube connected to probably one of the biggest tubes/syringe (not needle, but the big tube part... I'm not a medical expert so forgive my ignorance on terms. It is bliss after all) There are 2 side by side & I thought... damn... I'm gonna have to pee like a racehorse after getting all of that injected. So I am thinking it began flowing through me from the start. WRONG! Oh so wrong it isn't even funny. I have now gone forwards, backwards, backwards, backwards, forwards, forwards, no wait... backwards again... hold the breath, release the breath... Don't speak... I know what your thinking, today is the greatest day I'll ever know... yeah I had No Doubt, Smashing Pumpkins, a bit of Nirvana along w/Sublime & the Chili Peppers following along with me during this whole rollercoaster process and then... just as Blues Travelers' Run Around... Once upon a midnight dreary... that soothing Jamaican voice comes over my headphones (which incidentally were made entirely of plastic) informs me that I am almost done... they just need to now inject the solution. Wait... what? What is it with you medical people and all of your surprises? A little notice here? Maybe a cocktail to curtail the sudden brought on fear??? Fuck me gently w/your damn solution! CHRIST! I am then informed that I may smell or taste something unpleasant. Uh you forgot to warn me that I also may FEEL a MAJOR sensation of unpleasantness. Yeah... you ever watch liquid flow through a tube? Or how about through an old skool crazy straw? Picture that & then imagine THAT sensation then traveling into & through your arm. Oh yeah... that's what I felt & right about then is when the new sound came through. The only way I can best describe it is like this... remember those old horror/monster movies where the mad scientist has two metal poles & like bolts of electricity are flowing up & down between them making that electric whomp, whomp, whomp sound? Yeah... well that was I was experiencing AND this is while John Popper is asking me why I wanna give him the run around? I don't know John... maybe because I got some "solution" running through my damn body. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!

Finally the ride has come to a complete stop & all hands & feet were still inside the vehicle in tact & I am released from the lil' shop of needle horrors, escorted back to the room where my clothes were & told I was done. I got out to my brother & his wife, my sister-in-law who incidentally has become a better sister/friend to me than my own. We have seriously bonded it's been great. Anyhoo... we get in the car I am done for now, but not able to forget the realistic fact that on April 8th I will be cut open & pieces will be removed. All I honestly can think is... I need a drink.

Um sadly... Auntie Laurie forgot it's my nephew's away game tonight against a school which is called the Raiders. I will say this... they sadly kicked my nephew's team's butt, but I will give them this... they played hard, had amazing skills AND FINALLY I saw a good use for that horrendous Oakland Raiders' flag! Did I also mention (no I know I didn't) tonight was ridiculously cold even for a girl from LA's standards? Well it was.

I will say this... I have made it home in one piece, I am enjoying an extremely cold beverage of the beer type & in comfy clothes & was given probably one of the coolest mud facials by my sister-in-law tonight. I feel ok, but this is when I become 100% honest with anyone bothering to read this... today made me really scared & really aware this is not some easy procedure to go through. Yes I know it IS NOT brain surgery & I am sorry for those who have to go through that. BUT... it's still surgery & it's scary & I'm scared and yes... thankful I have my family here to support me, but I miss my friends... YES I miss my many kitty cats as I have stated before (crazy cat lady... cue the carousel music) It's tough because I still feel I'm a lil' alone because everyone around me still has to go on with their daily lives & I would never expect anything less, but man... I wish I had a partner in cancer crime to just be around day in & day out who gets IT. Who gets me... if that even makes sense. This morning... I actually really got next to no sleep last night, but I knew I was to go to this yoga class this morning at 9am & I wanted to back out because I felt old, ugly, past my prime & alone & it scared me, but then I got up & told myself to shut-up because no one likes a quitter & those who know me know I hate people who bitch & moan & say whoa-is-me because only YOU can make your life better & change it etc. So I got up, sweated maybe a cm off my ass, but I went.

It's not easy, but it's life & I don't want to be told tomorrow that let's say Friday is my last day here because I still haven't done enough. I want more, I want it now... which is my prblem... hence my invention of the saying Veruca Salt syndrome. In reality I guess all good things come to those who wait? Screw that... there's no better time than the present!

With that said... goodnight and again, brothers, sisters, boys & girls... early detection is key! Do IT! Check yourself before you wreck yourself & end up feeling the solution in your veins :)

Love to you all & thank you SO much for the support.

Ovaries Out!

-Laurie

Georgia On My Mind!

Hello Dawcta Ira... Can We Tawk?

Yeah well.. talking w/Dr. Ira Horowitz brought a lot more fear into me than expected. I had been doing great mentally before having to attend my scheduled "consultation" w/Dr. Ira Horowitz on Monday March 21st. @ 9:40am. I had been pleasantly & quietly enjoying time w/ my brother & his family up until this point. I was beginning to truly experience what family time is all about and me being the total family introvert... I was really digging it! My mind was beginning to decompress... my body felt... well it felt better. I was/am bonding w/my sister-in-law & am just really enjoying a quality of life I guess I never thought I was worthy of having. I seriously have looked back at my working life. You know how you get that Social Security letter every year that tells you if you were to retire at this point in time this is what you would make? Well I have been receiving that thing for years! Years! I have learned that I have worked 40 hrs if not plus jobs since 1984. 27 years baby. Yeah that's right... 27 freakin' years! Nell Carter... YOU need to Gimme A Break girl cuz this gurl is spent. Sadly, it took Cancer to make me realize that one... I have stressed, sweated, over compensated, kissed ass, suffered, tolerated, done whatever it takes to get the job done. I have most definitely performed a job well done & I need to finally STOP thinking about whether or not my job will tolerate my leave & take care of me. That's SUPER hard for me mind you. I stress on a daily basis to this current post about my job position & job security. I mean come on... we all know there is always someone who could possibly do it better or differently than you & we are ALL easily replaced. THAT scares me in and of itself. I mean let's be honest... I'm no rocket scientist, anyone could perform my job, but I made it my own & I'd like to think I owned it and still own it, but as stated in the past... this Cancer has been nothing but a major inconvenience to me.

With that said... we can now fall on to the day of meeting Ira. Ugh... that drive w/my big brother to Emory University Hospital was so grueling. He was as always a cool cat. I was a ball of stress, if a kitten came around they'd play w/my tummy as it was moving so insane like it was not even funny. Butterflies? Um no... I had 2 rabid dogs fighting in my belly.

We arrive @ Building C & I get let off while my brother finds parking. I go to the desk announce myself & am informed Dr. Horowitz is in Building A. Uh.. wait... what??? I'm con-fuzed sir. Me don't likey this news. This does not compute & it adds more fuel to the fighting dogs in my belly. I call my brother to inform him as he is currently parking. He says no prob & to wait for him. I stand there & people walk by as I am holding a grossly orange colored folder I grabbed from home & I see obvious Cancer patients. The ones I feel are in more need of care than myself. You know the ones. Very skinny, scarves on heads, sunken eyes. It KILLED me! I thought great... all I need now is a 3 year old in a bandanna to cross my path. I lost it. Yes... I burst into tears, but remembered my big brother was on his way so I had to get my game face on. Show no pain, show no mercy. Hell... sweep the damn leg attitude is what this chick needed. Pootwa was already shaking & aching. Oh did I mention... Flo decided to visit one last time for prosperity's sake. OF COURSE she did. Miserable bitch!

So... we walk to Building A. I fill the necessary paperwork out & wait. While I wait, there is this beautiful woman sitting in a wheelchair obviously riddled w/Cancer. Her legs are so thin, her weakness is so apparent & her wig was gorgeous! I so wanted to tell her she looked beautiful, but felt it wasn't right. It wasn't the proper time. Or was it? To this day I question if I should have complimented her or not and feel regretful that I had not done just that. Then I hear it... "Laurie Woolfe" I stand up, my brother had gone to grab coffee so I text him & inform him I have his bag & am being moved to yet another waiting room where I proceed to fill out the story of my medical life. This is a joke in and of itself since as I have stated earlier, I haven't been the most upright health conscious, regular check up kinda gal. My brother arrives & notices there are pamphlets describing certain things such as Hysterectomies which he promptly reaches for. I grab a few, but choose not to scare myself further w/the realities of all such procedures, experiences etc. I will be experiencing. Out of mind out of sight is still my thinking.

Then it's time for my consultation. It's to start... w/a resident who's name passes through my head like the info of who's on first. He asks if I mind if my brother is present during questioning I inform him... he's my brother there are no secrets. I get asked this & that & then... how many sexual partners have you had? Um... choke, cough, redness falls upon my face and finally... "No comment". Look people... I'm no saint & to say you all much less my brother needs to know that fact is just noneya! You hear me?

Then it's back to the waiting room #2. I wait & then I am called into a room where I am told to dis-robe. Wait... you have all of my paperwork, why is another exam necessary? Well enter Dr. Ira Horowitz... along w/2 other residents. I have my feet in the stirrups... Jockeys take your mark, get set.. & exam. It seemed all good except I forgot to mention I had my period so that meant a different way of "searching" the Pootwa. It all was good & fine... the cold clamp/tire lift as I refer to that device, but then... it was shoving up the normal area & then suddenly... HELLO! WHOA... you just went into the back door! I screamed so loud, I'm surprised LA didn't hear it. Wait, what? Who? What? Where? When? WHYYYY? Dr. Ira! At least buy me a drink before going there. I did NOT find that move necessary AT ALL! AND... I have never had a reverse move like that performed on me. EVER! This day has turned into a very unpleasant experience.

Then it's time to finally "consult" w/Ira. My brother has written down questions. Bless him because I am still getting over the back door experience so I'm a tad muddled. Essentially I hear much of what I have been told already until the fact that laparoscopic surgery is NOT an option which means I look forward to a lovely bikini line slicing AND I was asked to sign a release waiver stating I give permission for Ira to not only remove the uterus, cervix & a whole lotta lymph nodes, but I am now told my ovaries could possibly be removed. Ira informs me he won't know until he knows what he is looking at. Ok 1st the bikini line slice... I was hoping for the whole laparoscopic procedure because it meant less recovery time & less invasive surgery. Ira informed me because it's at the bikini line it could be hidden. I replied, "Well thank Gawd for that because my Sports Illustrated Bikini Modeling career was far from over." Are you kidding me? I could care less about a fucking scar! I care about the fact I am ACTUALLY going to really be sliced/cut into. THAT scares me! I will not lie... THAT scares the FUCK out of me. Yeah I said FUCK cuz I am THAT scared. But hey... this is what this blog is all about. I am doing my best to include everyone on this journey & get you engaged into EVERYTHING I experience. The good, the bad, the hilarious & well... the scary as fuck crap. I am also informed I have to get an abdominal, chest & cervical MRI. Oh goody. I can't wait to enter the tube. I mean this isn't my Blue Crush/North Shore moment. I am hardly riding the tube. I hear these things can be quite unpleasant. So that's this coming Monday the 28th then Wednesday the 30th I go to do pre-op where I meet my anesthesiologist. Please if there is a god... make him cute. Hey... a girl can dream right?

So ok... waiver signed I then discover I can't get surgery until April 8th. Oh like that didn't send all sorts of stress flying throughout my entire body because I had informed my work I thought I'd have an earlier date & oh yeah forgot to mention... recovery time from the bikini slashing radical hysterectomy requires a 6-8 week period. This means longer time away from work & more importantly... time from my home. Away from my friends, my putty tats & my just all around comfort of home. I have informed my HR dept. of the change, all seems acceptable, but I can't lie that I'm not nervous. Oh & now that whole month long preparations/packing... all shot to Hell. Wardrobe?

So now... now we wait & in the meantime I enjoy life & make due & tomorrow I will inform everyone of what that time has been made up of & I feel FINALLY I may have this damn blog caught up to as current time as possible. I DO feel guilty that I have this free time before surgery. I mean is it wrong to relax like this when I have a job? Should I be taking care of someone else's stuff before I take care of mine? I answer this by saying yes I should. I mean the tough get tougher. As they say in Monty Python's Holy Grail... "It's only a flesh wound!" I don't know. I feel guilty about having Cancer. I know others tell me to care about me, but I have always been one to care for others it's just weird. But... I do what I do, type what I type & live life best I can & to it's fullest right now & try to convince myself the guilt is ridonculous!

So tomorrow/today on East Coast time which I currently reside... I bid you all a goodnight/morning & do my best to promise to enter more on a regular basis. I AM going to a car show today w/my nephew which isn't necessarily something that scares me, but not something I'd normally do, but hey... it's family & who knows... maybe there is a chance to win a kick-ass car. Again... another example of a girl's dream.

As I always say... brothers & sisters, ladies & gents... early detection is KEY! Check yourself before you wreck yourself & become like me.

Love to all that are following.

Ovaries Out!

-L

Plane, Pain & Pootwa!

Ever try packing for a month's stay? Yeah? Well good for you you deserve a prize because for me it was hard as Hell. Getting my proverbial house in order was a lot harder than I was quite prepared for. There's laundry to be done, necessary provisions for my friend Stephanie who is caring for my babies & home needed, proper goodbyes to be said, drinks to be had & let's not even get into the actual act of packing. Ok I knew Atlanta was having better weather than LA, but turns out... um... I still packed wrong. Anyone who is familiar w/the movie Mr. Mom will appreciate this analogy. In the movie Michael Keaton's character is driving his kids to school for the first time & of course the poor bastard goes the wrong way & not only are his kids informing him he is going the wrong way, but mothers are too. Finally one woman rolls down her window... yes there was one time in life you actually, physically had to hand roll down & up your car window. Anyways, now that I've pointed out that I am a dinosaur, I will continue. The mother rolls down her window & Keaton's character thinks she's going to say "hi" and she looks at him w/this scowl and states quite matter of factly w/a hint of bitch... "You're doing it wrong!"

With that said... I felt I was doing it wrong. All of it! Thursday Morning arrives, Prime Time Shuttle picks me up @ 5:40am on the dot. I love them because they arrive on time & get you to your destination w/so much time to spare it isn't even funny. So I arrive & check in & of course I have to check my massive suitcase which incidentally I got for $50 & could fit myself along w/a few friends in it. It's huge. Again... a month's stay equals a lotta stuff. I get up to the counter to hand over my bag after having just paid the stupid $25 baggage fee & I am suddenly informed that I am 14 lbs overweight. Say what now? The guy then proceeds to ask if I would like to discard the excess 14 lbs. I replied back, "Where exactly do you suggest I put the excess 14 lbs? My ass?" I was now agitated & told the guy that there was no where to put it so what's the damage? The damage... the damage was $90. This is on top of the $25 I just paid. I was to say the least... NOT a happy camper. THEN it's off to security. I walk through just fine, but am asked to step aside so they can check my carry on bag. This guy informs me I can not at any time touch anything in the bag while he searches it. Um.. ok... not a problem, you're the one who has to go through a bunch of lacy bootie shorts (for comfort after my surgery... I mean if you have to wear an uncomfortable pad to begin with, ya need a lil' feminine comfort to boot... no pun intended) So back to security guy... he takes only what can be described as a tab like object, the kind you pull from a "Take A Number" machine... and he starts essentially giving my bag a swabbing like it's for a paternity test or something. Finally he grabs this satin pouch I have that is filled w/all my "good" jewelry. THIS is the culprit? The family jewels! See you have to understand this is a tad ironic because just the day before BOTH my mother & sister-in-law recommended either I hide my good jewelry or have a friend hold on to it since I'd be gone for so long in case of a robbery. I just thought bring it. I mean it's hardly the crown jewels, but I do have some very important & cherished pieces. Anyhoo... THIS is what causes security to check my bag. I then asked If I get the same treatment next, the guy looked at me & scowled & I said, "Can't blame a girl for tryin' I mean you can't rape the willing can ya?"

Keep in mind that day was St. Paddy's Day, so not only was it acceptable to have a cocktail before 7:30am, at this point after what I went through, it was NECESSARY! So I'm sitting enjoying a very spicy Bloody Mary (Breakfast of champs) I could swear I just saw Kevin Connelly of Entourage pass by. Nah... I had to be wrong. I know it's LA, but what celeb travels that early? It would be unheard of in my mind since they're all such lil' needy pansies. Time passes & it's time to board and as I walk through 1st class who do I see sitting in a window seat trying to conceal himself... Kevin Connelly himself. He's cute, but definitely a lil' guy. I get to my seat & just crash. Later I DO see Kevin walk by this time w/a baseball hat & sunglasses on going towards the bathroom. Ok celebrities... do you REALLY think we can't notice you because you are donning a hat & glasses? I mean it's like Hannah Montana... Blonde/Brunette... come on! It's the same girl. Are you REALLY that dumb? I find that show insulting in and of itself for that simple fact, yet I was at one time guilty of watching the show... constantly!

When I awake I am touching down in Atlanta airport where incidentally my brother is flying in from San Fran. He texts me & tells me to meet him in baggage claim. So I get off the plane & begin travels towards baggage when who do I see coming the opposite direction? Kevin Connelly! Now I kid you not, but he gives me the ol' up down checkout locks eyes w/me & gives the most panty soaking smile at least I could ever receive! He def is a charmer with that smile. Needless to say that smile washed away any crap that affected me earlier that morning.
I mean... he is cute. A tad Hobbit sized, but cute.

Anyhoo... I make it to baggage & meet up w/my brother & we're off to his home which is just outside of Atlanta. I am relaxing already knowing I am safe & sound w/my big brother. He has always been there for me. He is my protector, my hero. HE is the real reason I think I'm single because they say girls usually look to marry a man like their dad, since mt dad wasn't always around (parents divorced when I was young. He's a great guy don't get me wrong, but my brother was just there more) it was my brother that I always looked for in other guys. Needless to say none of my exes were my brother. And why? Because there is only one... and he's my brother & he's taken. I love him so much I am thrilled I get to spend this much time with him. I'm very lucky.

So we get to his house & essentially only have time to drop off my bags & pick his wife up as my nephew's lacrosse game is getting ready to start. Lacrosse is one of my favorite sports as I played it from Jr. High all the way to college. It's a great sport & aside from soccer... in my opinion has some of the best looking players. Ok, but for me to go to a high school game w/this thought... not right at all. After the game was over & some of the BOYS took their shirts off... Oh forget it I just felt dirty & wrong. When did high school boys begin to look like this??? It's just not right. Now... I would NEVER... EVER dream of being w/anyone super young. I did it once, he was 25 relax! He knows who is as as do my friends... great guy, but yes... young. BUT... with these high school boys I kinda see why the whole hot for teacher thing in the reverse could happen. AGAIN... I'm just sayin', but not in any way considering so no need to alert the authorities.

So... LAX game ends, we come home to what is an AMAZING dinner of steak cooked by my brother. I am quickly learning w/the kid's schedules of sports, my brother & his family eat quite late, but hey... I'm still on West Coast time so I indulge. And then it's time to sleep. I slept like I hadn't in years and it was pure bliss.

I am doing my best to play catch up & bring everyone to the current time, but still so much has occurred it's just hard. Tomorrow I will catch everyone up w/my actual meet & greet w/Dr. Ira & give the current situation a once over. I promise.

Until then... I say it again.. Ladies & Gents, Sisters & Brothers... EARLY DETECTION is KEY! Check yourself before you wreck yourself cause let's be honest... Cancer is so bad for yourself!

Love to all that are following, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your comments, words of encouragement & just all around love is so greatly appreciated. More than you may know.

Until the next post...

Ovaries Out!

-L

If it's not one thing it's your vagina!

*Please note this post has been a bit of a work in progress & yes a bit outdated, but I will keep future posts up to date & more frequently...

I know I had started out thinking, possibly even voicing that I would write often... well that has gone all to Hell now hasn't it? And again one asks... why is she single? I DO do my best to follow through, but it seems the only time I am capable of doing so is at work & not in my own personal life. Anyhoo... much has happened & I will mention the one snide, bitching session & then move on as I know harboring anger & disdain for anything... concentrating on the negative... well it's just not healthy & not something one should do. Move on, get over it & get on with life... "go forward... move ahead... try to detach it... it's not to late... to whip it... whip it good!" Thank you DEVO! Words to live by... BUT... one last lashing. I mean come on... I can't resist cause I'm that snarky of gal.

After my blog went "live" as the blogging society calls it... or do they? Oh who knows? Anyhow, after my blog went live... YES... I sent a snide, snarky, punchy email to sister making her aware of the life that is this blog. I essentially let her know this "storm" would not be passing her way & that she & her husband could rest assure of this fact & go on taking care of their daily lives. Then I speak w/my mom who informs me sister has contacted both she & my brother since the fact. Keep in mind... with out me going into the whole boring diatribe that is my family history, my sister is of no relation to my mother or my brother. She sends yet another email that yet again is all about her mind you, stating something to the fact that I am trying to "humiliate" her through my blog. Uh... yeah... it's called freedom of speech, I'm pissed (was pissed now just over it, but for the sake of that time... well you get it) I was hurt horribly & to hear my family... MY family is still being bothered with her just annoyed me. And sister of course requested that they don't forward that email as I would most likely include it in my blog... what point of this blog haven't you learned from yet? Grow a spine! You're my OLDER sister... act it! I just love how she reached out & STILL made it about her! But that's it... the last I mention of her & that part of my petty drama. That's all I have to say about that (yes... thank you Forrest Gump!)

NOW... we move forward... the last week at work was all about training the temp who would take over for me during my absence. My brother... MY brother... seriously... one of the most amazing human beings one could ever... EVER be worthy to know, much less be related to. He took control, handled everything & got me to where I am going now. I am going to Emory University hospital & am meeting with my new surgeon on the 21st. My surgeon? Even my Jewish friends allow me to snicker at this... Ira Horowitz! I'm meeting w/Ira! I love, LOVE the name. So much so, one can't help but say it w/a sort of Jersey Jew like manner. Ira.. hello... how are you?

So now I'm off to Atlanta on March 17th. St. Paddy's Day... how appropriate. Let's send off an Irish, Scottish, English descendant properly. I'll be drinking & fighting with myself while doing it all w/proper manners. But here's the thing... I made a conscious decision to try & do something every day until then that was out of my comfort zone. I went to a death metal show... interesting... I will say this about death metal people, they seem to hold this stance of fear & an evil likeness and yet... I met a few that night and they are quite sweet. I can only describe it as this... picture this... scary Nathan Explosion from Metalocolypse belting a growling scream, "SATAN, SATAN, SAT... oh look a kitten!" Seriously... great guys. Next night it was hanging w/a neighbor I always had a bit of disdain for due to his late night schedule and yet he greets me outside our complex with, "Hey Laurie... want some meat?" Um... yeah Matt... how can I say no to your meat. Let it be known this guy wants to be a chef & this Kobe beef & his drenched ribs were AMAZING! Oh and to top it all off... BIG Cancer survivor. The guy had 3 of the hardest years & they almost lost him, but he's back & kickin' it! Next night... drinks in Silverlake w/my Colombian friend Alex to hang w/a guy who does sound for Motorhead. And no... Colombian friend is not code for the bad stuff. Alex is very real & a fantastic friend who I adore & cherish. Then... new paragraph starts :)

Friday comes. This is my last day at work & I am making preparations to tie up lose ends. Our company is having an early spring BBQ to celebrate hard work well recognized & usually when we have occasions like this I always keep cool, don't drink a drop of booze as I know I'd be tired & have to maintain an inkling of responsibility. Yeah... not today. It was my last so... all bets are off, BUT I still refused to make an ass of myself. Oh no need for that. I have... and I am SO lucky to work with some of the most amazing people. I ended up getting a send off and boy was it the send off to end all. You all remember "Kenny" right? Well Kenny reappeared in the form of a cake that had Kenny's image on top & was filled w/the most luscious, moist red velvet cake filling. I was beside myself. The following pics reveal the day...

So... as you can see Kenny came, was seen & was devoured w/much delight! It was the send-off to be all, BUT... then... my friend Anne & her husband J.C. gave me this present which just literally took the cake...
Can ya stand it? It's an ovary & uterus! Great way to be sent off from work.

Now time to prep for Atlanta which will be my next blog!

REMEMBER: Detection is perfection! The earlier the better. Ladies & Gents... please... go out there, make the appt. w/your docs & just be safe.

Ovaries Out!

Life's A Bitch & Then There's Your Sister

In lieu... that word is great & yet so archaic, but I love to use it & my friend Lisa would say at this point, "Who uses in Lieu?" Well I do and w/that I begin again... IN LIEU of the twat sister events in the past few days, plans have been forced to be changed. My original plan to go to Duke University Hospital & meet w/the chief surgeon of the Gyno Oncology Department which made me feel so safe & confident... has now had to change because of the Twat sister's selfishness. I love that word twat... I love it as much as dipshit... 2 words that I find appropriately fitting to describe the "sister" I thought from the beginning was the one who had my back. Ah what a difference a day makes.

Well my day began with a call from my brother informing me of his research into hospitals close to him in Atlanta since that is where he & his VERY welcoming family reside. Emory University is now looking like the hot spot for my care & Pootwa's life altering procedure. I know realistically... now... this is the only way I will not only get the treatment I need, but where my family can properly care for & support me. I mean I can HARDLY go to Duke now, get the Radical Hysterectomy & then recover unless I chose the dreadful, stuck in the 80's Duke Towers. And I can hardly make a 6-7 hour drive after such a procedure. Um... no, BUT this is not to say I was stressed any less. I was hysterical this morning when my brother reported the new plan. Plan B as it seems it has become. I stop and ask myself here... why am I even being stressed with a damn Plan B? I am the one who needs care here, I am the one with Cancer & I am the one who should be stressing the least & yet... wait for it... in LIEU of the Twat's choice, I am riddled with more stress than ever before.

Here's the thing about stress when poor lil' Pootwa is the victim of Cancer. Stress really DOES & CAN take it's toll. I don't believe I had mentioned before, but exactly a week after my Cone Biopsy I began my period. I must admit it was a bitch of a painful visit from Flo, but I did think to myself... go ahead have your last dance of pain with my insides because this would be the last. At least I hoped that. Well the bleeding finally took a break and then the stress of the past 48 hours brought the bleeding back around again. In heavy mode thanks so much! I now DO understand why men question how something can bleed for so many days and not die. Hell... I wouldn't trust me either. So stress, bleeding & top it off with still having to maintain a professional appearance at work... yeah, I'm a mess, but fronting such a false sense of "everything is A-O-K" is in and of itself nothing less of a miracle. I mean yeah sure... I had always wanted to be an actresss, but I never quite thought my small amount of training would lead to "acting" in every day life. Well... the Cancer Oscar goes to... POOTWA & ME!

See here is the pain-in-the-ass OTHER part of all of this. My records that have been forwarded to Duke, NOW have to go to Emory. For fuck's sake... the path of desired unconsciousness is burning quite hard at this point. I am not gonna lie when I say I have just wanted to throw in the towel & say I quit, but I was raised differently. Nobody likes a quitter. Quitting is weak and I REFUSE to even let an ounce of weakness show at this point. Oh HELL no! BUT... after arriving at work today & knowing it was a somewhat slow day there, I was honest with my boss & told her of the idiotic, pathetic family melodrama I was experiencing and asked if I could leave early to essentially just regroup. Being the great boss that she is, she of course obliged, but not without voicing her disdain for my Twat sister's behavior. Once again, yet another person questioned how someone could just not simply put aside their own selfishness and support me. She even asked if Twat was younger than me because it's so obvious that her actions are so juvenile. Although I negate to reveal Twat's name, truth is... I know she knows I was going to do this blog and yes... I am venting my anger for therapeutic reasons and I'm sure she'd think I was being hysterical & volatile, but I do hope she falls upon this and reads this. I'm not trying to be ruthless or vindictive, but let's be honest... I'm pissed, hurt & need to vent and so I write as the power of word is so great. The pen is mightier than the sword even if the pen is now a blog. And it's a whole lot better than talking to a therapist. I mean she's been in therapy for years and a lot of good that HASN'T done.

Anyhoo... after going off on that tangent... let's regroup shall we? So... now it seems I am heading to Atlanta, but when is to be determined & that in and of itself stresses me out because I had such a sense of relief yesterday when my appointment was set. My last day at work is the 11th & I have requested from my girls at work a poignant send off to both myself as well as Pootwa! I am not one who needs privacy. I have always been an open book. Um... ya think? I mean I'm typing a blog & updating on Facebook. I don't want sympathy, but rather I want people to know the reality of what one can go through. Did I mention I am getting the new iPad2 & having people send/upload apps or movies they feel I would enjoy or represent me or even them? I am going to leave my new iPad2 at the office for a few days so people can take goofy pics in the photo booth & then upon departure of my insides & recovery ensues, I will then open my iPad2 & explore all that everyone has added. I feel it's much better than a Get Well card & it most certainly will occupy my recovery time more than a mere book.

Tonight, as I enjoy some wine and watch mindless crap on tv, I reflect on this... step back... and just can not do anything but giggle at the insanity. Today I learn no one is dependable, life is obviously expendable and well... one just has to move on, take what blows are thrown at me & simply say... BRING IT! This too shall pass and I am becoming just that much more of a better person for it. This roller coaster ride is quite a doozy and with saying that... maybe before Pootwa & I go off to alter the inner universe known as my lady bits... I think I DO want to go to Disneyland as well as California Adventure. I want to ride the ride I believe is known as the Hollywood Tower... it's like many, many floors high & you go up fast, drop, go up again quickly and then drop again and I just want to make parents have to cover their childrens ears to protect them from the extreme obscenities that WILL protrude from my temporary foul mouthed self. I want to laugh, pose with Mickey & be a kid again.

And I will... and I will make sure to take pics and share it here. Long of the short people... laugh because although there are some who will laugh at you... there are also those that will laugh with you.

I end this as I plan to always end my entries by saying... ladies & gents... get yourselves checked not twice, but 3 times a year. Detection is key! Love to all & for those following... I am so grateful!.

Ovaries Out! (Did I mention THOSE actually get to stay :)?)

You Can Choose Your Friends...

You certainly can't choose family & man... what a family I have. Look... I'm not making light of Cancer by anyways & I certainly don't believe in abusing the fact if one has it, but when it comes down to it... Cancer is scary & all you want is to feel supported & comforted & only hope people... ESPECIALLY your family... can put aside their bullshit differences or at least put them on hold to be there as a support system for you. I mean I would only hope in a situation like this the differences actually get resolved. What do they say... out of something bad comes something good? I honestly was hoping maybe harbored crap would get buried once & for all, but I guess that old hippie in me was wrong. Gee... wonder why I like such hard music now. Damn the hippie.

I mean this year has already brought craziness... birds dropping from the sky, dead fish washing ashore, floods & a cyclone in Australia, iPad 2, Lohan's affair w/a necklace, Charlie Sheen's quick decline to insanity (more famous than Obama? Really?) & now this... I HAD to post the history of selfishness because well... I need this like I need... well... like I need Cancer! Keep in mind people EVERYONE is dysfunctional this I know is true, but because of what has gone down my bleeding has gotten heavy & no... I don't have my period. Stress really DOES take it's toll. Serenity now... or a couple glasses of wine... whatever curbs the edge of wackiness. So for your reading pleasure as promised I would post the good, bad, humorous & insanity of my experience and this is not to be kept quiet. I have of course replaced names for "respect" of anonymity, but I ask you... is it really deserved? The bolded comments in parenthesis are my personal comments to this ridiculousness.

Dad:
>Sister, your misplaced hostility and arrogance couldn't have been
>better timed. Laurie just called me with the rotten news and she, who
>is usually pretty cool, was speaking with a cracking voice. She is
>scared.
>Nice to know you had such an intimate conference call with Lynn and
>Laurie. Leaving me in the cold really stinks. (My fault I should have fully explained the situation on how that arised, but then again... why do I have to explain anything?) I talked to Mom, and she isn't real pleased with your attitude either. Well, my life feels
>trashed in general and all I can do is pray for the one daughter I
>have left and fighting the worst.

On Feb 23, 2011, at 6:29 PM, Sister

This is not about you and me, this is about Laurie. She is the only one that matters right now. (Here's a hint... you should have stopped right here, but no... you had to go on)

As for my misplaced hostilities, your tirades of last summer were frightening and brutal and led me to one conclusion and one conclusion only -- that I would be better off not being in contact with you.

Dad:

How dare you talk down to me about Laurie. This is devastating enough for me (Ok Dad being selfish here, but he IS a parent & I believe you too were unhappy about the news so everyone is entitled to feel) without your throwing oil on the fire. As for my "tirades" they should at least be aired out between us ( Sounds like a plan to me I agree w/him) I let a lot of pent up hurt come to the surface, and that was my mistake. (Again, he's admitting he was wrong where at this point forgiveness should be setting in at least in normal people's lives who don't hold grudges) Your failure is to not even attempt to understand anything about your father. You are a real hard case, Sister, spoiled, self-satisfied and critical to the point of being pompous. I am your father, whether you approve of it or not, and God help me I still love you. You picked one devil of a time to add to my despair, and I think you had better take a good look at it. This whole thing was about your 'Grandmother, wasn't it? There is a whole lot to air out there, whether you think so or not. If Laurie goes to Duke, as it now seems, you are going to come in contact with me like it or not. Dad (Funny thing is... the man never said he was going to force his way to your home & I know he would never expect to be there. His intentions were always to visit me in the hospital)

This is an email sent to my mom & I:
I received the following from Dad today -- He is out of control. (A bit dramatic don't you think?) I didn't want to share this, but it's important that you know the situation. (Important WHY exactly???)

I will not respond to him and I refuse to be intimidated my him.(But you are and that is what is so pathetic) You may read my message of last night to him below his message -- it should not have elicited such a threatening response from him.

I remain determined to have Laurie here in NC to be treated at Duke,(At this point you still remained to have me) and Dad has free reign to visit her, but he cannot come to my home.

I'm sorry that he is behaving so badly, and I truly wish things were different. I cut off ties with him last summer because of this very same behavior.(No one needs your history here... it's not about YOU it's about me. Again... you should never have sent this) He has some bizarre old vendetta against my grandmother and he seems to feel that he needs to live it out on me.(Pot calling the kettle honey. YOU have such pent up anger the grandmother situation was just an excuse as you've been scared of him for years. You can't stand up to a man who can't do squat)

I endeavor to concentrate only on Laurie and not on Dad's emotional problems.(But you had no problem letting your own personal emotional problems get in the way & this was only the beginning)

I love you all, (Ya sure about that one?)

Sister

And then it continues... this time via text:

Sister:

Hey sweetie, so I never heard back from you on Friday....two questions:

1. Did your dr fax your records to Duke?
2. Are you on board with not telling Dad when you are going to be here? Or can we make it clear that he may visit you in the hospital or in town, but can't come to my house? I'm sorry, but I can't deal with him and neither can my husband.
Call me today if you can :)

And well my response pretty much summed up this text:

I love u but u do realize it's 7:15 & Sunday. I'll talk to you later but will say... No to the fax and w/dad I never agreed to anything this is about me please put you personal bs w/him aside it stresses me out. I love you but fuck! This is about me getting what I need. Please don't reply cuz the sound of my phone doesn't help w/me trying to sleep

Sister:
So once again I feel like a horse's ass --- you only have one job and that is to get to north Carolina to get healthy. Family bullshit will be kept to a minimum for everyone's sanity.(COULD Have FOOLED me!)
I love you and already did some fixing up around here to make your stay really comfy. :) (As comfy as that tacky condo/convalescent like place you "suggested" I had no idea I was worthy of that crap 80's cheap deco stuff & the large shuffle board & chess board outside... what am I 80 or 12?)

And then the email that just made me blow up:

Hey,
I spoke with Aunt... the other night and she had a wonderful idea and I followed up on it with some research -- there is a really sweet place (Sweet how? This place is tacky as all Hell. The link is here to prove that one) within a couple blocks of the Duke Medical Center that offers condos to patient's and families. Their medical rate is $63 a night and some insurance companies will cover that cost. (The whole point of getting help from family by staying w/a family member was so $ would NOT be spent and I'd be w/FAMILY!)

We could set you up there and you would have your own small condo where everyone could come and stay comfortably and I would only be 12 minutes away -- I could bring you groceries, cook for you, hang out, or we could strike out from there to do fun stuff like restaurants and movies in Durham and best of all, I could leave you be when you wanted quiet alone time. (If I wanted to be alone I'd get the procedure done here in LA)

here's the website for you to check out: http://duketower.com/
We can help with expenses there too.
Love,
S.

Then of course I don't have a recording of the phone call where I went off because um yeah... I was pissed at your "suggestion" because it was more to accommodate you not having to deal w/dad.

Your text then came:

Sister:
I'm really really sorry (How many times has this sorry crap been said in the past 5 days?)

I didn't mean that you can't stay here---I want you to stay here with us, but I got the impression from Aunt... that you didn't want to---I just wanted to offer you an alternative and I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.(Your alternative was really for your comfort zone. You need to learn to stand up & be a fucking adult!)

I'm doing everything I can on this end to make things work including fielding all the politics (Apparently... "fielding"... not your best virtue/talent)---I'm sorry but this family is not easy and I know you are going through hell.(You need to get over it end of story)

Your doctor needs to refer you to a good therapist for some help asap--I mean it. (Yeah cuz therapy seems to have worked so well for you these past years) Aunt... was referred to a psychologist at the moment of her diagnosis and she said it helped her immensely.

I apologize for my inability to do all this right---communications get fucked up with you being so far away and in dealing with your mom and Aunt... and your brother.(Distance is no excuse... you just can't communicate properly period)

Btw--Aunt... has offered up money to help with all this.(NOT asking for financial help... family... just moral support. Insurance has it covered & I'm hardly a heffer when it comes to eating)

Me:
I don't need anyone's help I'm going to do this on my own and I'll let you tell the family I'm done! You all are as supportive as quicksand please leave me alone. My friend Lisa said she'd help so I'll take that so you all are off the hook (Seriously... the support I have gotten from friends & co-workers here is more than I can say for my own flesh & blood)

Sister:
I'm sorry I'm not perfect....and that you misunderstood my intentions (Your "intentions" were to accommodate you not me... sorry, but let's be honest here)

Then after speaking w/my brother & mom I am told sister is back on board and all is well. I got news today 3/3 that I will be meeting w/the Dr. who is head of the Gyno Oncology Dept. for the 24th, but hadn't gotten a chance to contact sister since I was busy w/work, but this lovely and oh so comforting email came in subject titled "Update":

Dear Laurie, My Mom & My Brother,

I have done much thinking in the past 36 hours since Laurie's phone call (1st of all... let's get our time line sraight... 36 hours is not YESTERDAY! That would be 24... sorry, but in my line of work... details, details, details) of yesterday morning in which she expressed complete dissatisfaction (Let's call it like it is... I was PISSED OFF!) with my handling of matters lately and basically told me she hated me. (Hmm... I am scared, have Cancer & you're not putting aside your daddy issues yes very much pissed me off & I drop that F-Bomb a WHOLE lot damn straight. I was PISSED OFF, but NEVER did the word hate come up) I fully admit that I have not handled things perfectly, and I will take responsibility for that,(Too late for that now) but I am certain now that I no longer want to be in the line of fire. (You started this "line of fire" by drawing it yourself & this history of vents proves it) And I have heard nothing from her since yesterday which tells me that she has not changed her mind about me.(Um no... I have to work & I get busy sometimes so much I forget to go pee)

I love Laurie (Funny way of showing it) -- I care for her and am terribly worried for her, in fact I have been worried about her long before the cancer arose, but I would like to bow out of this situation as it has caused far too much stress for me and my husband (Far too much stress for YOU? For YOU? Stress causes Cancer & you're not helping & I am far from calm oh & bleeding heavily currently) . . . we have come through our own storms and I cannot ask him to deal with this storm too. (Wow... so I'm a storm? GREAT choice of words there. That doesn't hurt or anything. Sister w/Cancer = Storm... remember that people)

I am certain that Laurie will receive fine care wherever she goes, and she may still go to Duke, but I have to bow out of caring for her because of her volatile behavior.(What's that saying... reacting from actions? I'm volatile because you're selfish & self-centered. Am I self-centered right now? Uh yeah damn right I have every right to be. It's Cervical Cancer... it's scary!) I'm sorry, but that is how it has to be.(Well I'm sorry I'll never speak w/you again & when your old and may need help someday I bet you'll regret not helping, because what's really sad... if I knew you needed help I would do what I have done best... get over the bullshit of the past & come help. I would be there for you despite my current anger)

Sincerely,

Sister

And my response:

WOW! You want volatile? I can not believe the level of selfishness & ridiculous "fear" you have of dealing w/things (Dad & Me) I've been at work and once again THANK YOU for saying one thing & doing another. You have caused me the most stress out of everyone. I don't feel comfortable staying there now either, but I also want the best & Duke was it PER YOUR SUGGESTION! This surgery & Cancer is not like a damn vacation we can all back out of and say ok... yes let's do it... oh no someone is bugging me let's not do it.. then ok.. sure... let's do it.

Well Where do I go now because I had a March 24th noon consultation meeting w/the chief Dept. Head Dr. I thought Mom & Sister spoke & Sister agreed & she would just wait to hear from me. HELLO PEOPLE I AM still working & can't call everyone. I actually had an email I began typing to you Sister at 4:03 but then I had to attend to matters at work.

This is just ridiculous.

I give up... I might as well just have it done here!

And there ya have it folks... Ladies & gentleman... my sister and yes... my brattyness shows it's evil head as well, BUT... I'm not 8 in a toy store whining for the new Barbie & stomping my feet & throwing myself to the ground because I can't get Barbie & her dream house. Nah... I feel my anger is justified in every sense of the word at this point.

Again... to say we all have our own dysfunctional families... I am not immune to it either. The challenge is to step back & laugh. Laughter is key! To ere is human & let's be honest... I have fucked up more than the average bear, but I also have picked myself up & made light of it as well as moved on & learned from my mistakes. Mistakes... I've made a few & then some. The challenge... admitting you've done so & MOVE ON!

Again... I end by saying EARLY DETECTION is KEY! Girls & Guys... check yourselves before you riggity-wreck yourselves! Girls I say 3 times a year go to your doc & guys... deal w/the turn & coughs... DO IT!

So for now...

Ovaries Out!

You've Got Cancer!

"Look at it this way... they remove the baby carriage & leave the playpen." These are the words of "comfort" my grandmother who survived Uterine Cancer, gave to my mom when she found out she had the same. Mom has since passed it down to me. Ah tradition.

This past month & 1/2 has been quite a trip. If I was told on New Year's Eve that I was going to be told I had Cervical Cancer... shit I would have gotten laid! My first thought when I was told was... well this is inconvenient. I don't have time for this crap!

I guess I should start from the beginning. Let me say I HATE, HATE doctors & have always feared them because I was afraid they would tell me well... bad news. Go figure. I have always been the one who thought unless I'm laying in the middle of the street bleeding, I will get through this. My body will heal itself. Mind over matter. I wasn't a sickly child & I have pretty much been the person who gets 2 major colds a year. The summer flu & somewhere during the winter season. Of course my periods have always been painful. Funny enough I have joked every month when that annoying bitch Flo came around, please just someone remove this from me. Seriously I wanted to donate my uterus. Well it's coming out now. Funny how I'm finally getting what I asked for. Ain't life a treat.

So in January a week after my period ended I had spot bleeding & didn't worry much as I hear it can happen, but I also was barfing so I left work & went home sick. After hugging my toilet bowl ever so tightly dry heaving, I dragged my ass to bed because I was exhausted. A little while later I woke up & felt really damp. I pulled back the covers & what was revealed was nothing less than some major blood crime. I swear I checked for a damn horse head cuz this was seriously the bloody bed scene from The Godfather. I thought... hmph... this isn't right. Of course I shrugged it off thinking... normal... but when I awoke to the same crime scene 3 more times that day... I came to the realization this was my bleeding in the street situation that just couldn't be ignored.

I got a referral from a co-worker to a fantastic gyno. I love this man. He is the 1st doc ever in my life I felt safe around & trusted. I mean the fact he's good looking doesn't hurt. Some may think um... how could you feel comfy around a hot guy poking at the pootwa? I don't know... for me personally... I'd rather have a man down there than a woman. That's just me. The thought of say a Dr. named Marge down there doesn't comfort me. Dr. Ray yes... Dr. Marge no uh uh.

Amazingly the heavy bleeding stopped the day I went to see Dr. Ray so he was able to do the pap, ultra sound (internal) & draw blood. Getting an ultra sound is crazy seeing the inside of my pootwa makes me think of Joy Division's album cover Unknown Pleasures & what better way to describe what exactly I was looking at! The doc proceeds to tell me I have great looking ovaries. I bet he says that to all the ovaries, but in all honesty... with a comment like that I thought I was on my way to being in the clear.

Long of the short pap came back bad, blood good, so it was time for a Colposcopy. Keep in mind I may be able to spell this, but to this day still can not say this word for the life of me. This is an uncomfortable procedure that is done w/no local, but rather a couple Ibuprofins. Yeah... I would have liked to have been knocked out! That is just a gnarly feeling. The best was it's kind of a 2 parter as they get a swab/scrape of your outer cervix 1st then they go & swab/scrape the upper deck of the cervix. The 2nd part can make you cramp. Oh ya think??? Of course my doc wanted me to describe the experience... I was like... um you get poked with a dry object in a raw area. The funny part was when I then said I felt I had to pee & he said, "Please don't pee on me."
Oh our bonding.

Cut to Tues. Feb. 8th. I get the call that I need to come in to hear results which were not looking great. I had my sister & sister-in-law scheduled to be on the call which we all scheduled for the very next day.

Wednesday February 9th, 2011 is the day that I am given the news I have Adenocarcinoma. This is Cancer that is found in the glandular tissue. I thought to myself... f&@% me! The shit just got real. Well needless to say I wanted nothing more than to get this taken care of A-S-A-P! A Cone biopsy was what was recommended as opposed to the Leep Procedure as more of my cervix would be removed which meant more chances of my "edges" coming back clean. I thought Hey I would LOVE to be the shortest amount of tie "cancer" patient around. Now to help me understand the Cone Biopsy, my doc proceeded to sketch out what would be done. The picture attached is it. The very bottom of the pic where it looks like boobs under a table.. that is what the Leep Procedure would have removed & the reason the "nipples" appear is actually my doc's way of emphasizing that is just the tip of the cervix & where the cancer was discovered. The triangle shape above is the Cone procedure and those circled "ties" are his version of stitches that I would receive to control the bleeding. The piece next to Kenny from South Park as I have dubbed this rendition is the actual piece he was hoping to remove. To me it looks like a really nasty pimple infested butt. Either way... this work of art actually helped me to look at the funny side of all of this.

So next was scheduling the biopsy which I managed to do quite quickly. That Friday to be exact. Feb. 11th, 2011 would be the day I hoped would be the be all end all of what I was wishing would be a very short lived bout w/Cancer.

Prepping was pretty typical... no eating after midnight... no water... you'd think they were giving me instruction on caring for my gremlin. I get into the surgical facility, get on that oh so gorgeous gown and am then hooked up to antibiotics through an iv drip. Well I gotta tell ya... I have NO idea why I'm single when a vision such as this is presented to the world. Please note the super sexy socks.

When I look at this pic now I think... it looks like I had been in that crappy hospital bed for days when it was merely a few minutes.

So it's time... I get wheeled into the OR and am told I'll feel sleepy shortly. No counting down from 10? That's kind of a good thing because the last time I went under I got all the way to 4 & began freaking out thinking I was like Hayden Christensen's character in Awake. Not this time... this time I was staring up into what I can only describe as the coolest looking Rave-esque lamps. They were amazing & my eyes were getting heavier & heavier &.... "Laurie wake up." And it was all done, but I awoke with the worst urge to pee. The nurse said, "You dont have to pee." I said, "Uh... yeah... I gotta pee." The argument went back and forth a bit which I found a tad annoying until I demanded a damn bed pan. If you know me... I pee a lot first of all & secondly... you KNOW I am in a bad way if I am actually requesting something I have always thought was gross & uncomfortable. So they bring it... I release the "pee" muscles... damn nurse was right... I didn't have to pee, BUT I got to relax the muscles which made the discomfort disappear. My doctor then tells me he wants me to come in Monday to get the gauze removed. All I thought was... well what time do I need to go in and wait... what... GAUZE!!! It's in me? Ew! My friend Stephanie picked me up & I was taken home after being given quite a large prescription of Vicodin.

Now... during a Cone Biopsy they use this brownish–yellow paste (Monsels solution) I wish I was warned of the after affects of this unsightly crap. Oh my poor Pootwa. For the 1st 2 days I just chilled in bed. Monday came... Valentine's Day to add insult to injury & my little Pootwa was just the most painful, unsightly lil' crispy cooter. It was just disgusting & every time I peed I'd scream. The stinging was unbearable. I called my doc's office to see about getting the gauze out, but honestly I wanted NOTHING near my little Pootwa. Shre would have screamed on her own I swear if you even brought a feather near her. So I get one of my fav nurses on the line & when she asked how I felt I expressed that even if my GOD Jason Statham walked through my door right now & professed his love, I'd tell him to turn around & get the Hell out! Her response was, "So... no Transporter 4 then?" Pootwa almost fell off I was laughing so hard. So after leaving a message w/my doc it was decided Wednesday would be alright to come in to remove the gauze, but I had to be there @ 9am.

Cut to... Wed. Feb. 16th & I go in to get the gauze removed. Pootwa had shed the crusty crud, but the thought of anything still going near made me cringe. Well my doc comes toward me with what can only be described as tongs one would use to flip chicken on a grill. He goes in and proceeds to seach w/the tongs for the gauze... one out... YIKES OW! Only way I can describe this intensely uncomfortable experience is... if you're a girl you know when you pull out a tampon that is completely dry? Yeah... THAT gross. Then he gets the 2nd & now I DO have to pee. I get up go, then come back & he says, "Ok let's get the last one out." I was like wait what? How many pieces are up there? Ugh... it was torture. I went home & crawled into bed & didn't resurface until late afternoon Thursday. Oh and keep in mind I am supposed to be on medical leave and yet I'm STILL getting calls & emails re: work. LEAVE ME ALONE!

Ok so I am not due in the office until the next Tuesday the 22nd due to the fact Monday was President's Day. I was hoping to hear by Friday the 18th the results. Friday came & went & no call. By Sunday I was ready to get out & be a part of the world and I desperately needed to feel pretty. So what does Laurie do? I go and get super sexy extensions & am transformed into only what I can describe as a Heff girl. It was great. I needed it and I can't express more to any women out there who are going through this... treat yourself to some pretty... it makes just that lil' difference. It brings back the feeling of being a woman again. Am I vain? Yeah, but in this case I think it's ok to want the attention. You gotta feel like a woman & empower what ya got & express it and laugh & live a little.

So... Tuesday I'm back at work and I call to ask if results are in, but my doc isn't in on Tuesdays I could get a call back from a diff doc or wait until Wednesday. Well I sure as Hell didn't want a diff doc tell me possible bad results so I had to suffer through one more torturous day of not knowing. Wednesday... the call comes in at 9:30am.

Cervical Cancer is the result & I would best benefit from getting a Radical Hysterectomy. That means the removal of my cervix, uterus & to quote my doctor, "A whole lot of lymph nodes". My best friend Lisa is someone I am very lucky to not only be friends with, but she works with me so I ran to her & cried. The shit was real. I had Cancer. I HAVE Cancer. Well now it's time to get the ball rolling. My sister had said I could stay w/her & I should get the procedure @ Duke University Hospital. My family had a bit of hesitation as they also suggested the hospital my sister-in-law had her 2 kids. Um... having kids & Cancer... 2 completely diff things & I wanted the best. So now it was just a waiting game of getting my records to Duke & getting a surgeon. In the meantime... family... oh family, sweet, dysfunctional family... their little personal selfish needs/opinions what have you were beginning to take a toll. Um... I thought the idea was to keep me as stress free as possible. Not in my family, but at this point the plan was decided I go to Duke & recover at my sister's. Well the 2nd blog I will post will be the result of what has arisen & I am telling you now... times like this is when you really I mean REALLY need a sense of humor. So stay tuned.

I will end by saying, I don't know who will follow me, but I want so badly to not only use this as a personal tool to document the experience, but to let others that may be going through this that yes... it's scary, but laughter in my opinion is the best therapy. It does no one any good especially yourself to cry & stress. NOT healthy. Hey I am far from the picture of health... ya think? YES I enjoy my wine at night & since having been diagnosed with Cancer HELL YES am I eating that chocolate cake or cheeseburger. If I could have sex I'd probably be out there enjoying a hot guy. BUT what I want to stress to BOTH women & men... early detection is KEY. Go, go, go! If you have weird symptoms... DO NOT IGNORE! I WANT to live & I WILL and this too shall pass & I look forward to the day I look back on this & laugh & say... yeah I had Cancer, but I beat that bastard into the damn ground!

Until the next time...

Ovaries Out!