Hello Dawcta Ira... Can We Tawk?

Yeah well.. talking w/Dr. Ira Horowitz brought a lot more fear into me than expected. I had been doing great mentally before having to attend my scheduled "consultation" w/Dr. Ira Horowitz on Monday March 21st. @ 9:40am. I had been pleasantly & quietly enjoying time w/ my brother & his family up until this point. I was beginning to truly experience what family time is all about and me being the total family introvert... I was really digging it! My mind was beginning to decompress... my body felt... well it felt better. I was/am bonding w/my sister-in-law & am just really enjoying a quality of life I guess I never thought I was worthy of having. I seriously have looked back at my working life. You know how you get that Social Security letter every year that tells you if you were to retire at this point in time this is what you would make? Well I have been receiving that thing for years! Years! I have learned that I have worked 40 hrs if not plus jobs since 1984. 27 years baby. Yeah that's right... 27 freakin' years! Nell Carter... YOU need to Gimme A Break girl cuz this gurl is spent. Sadly, it took Cancer to make me realize that one... I have stressed, sweated, over compensated, kissed ass, suffered, tolerated, done whatever it takes to get the job done. I have most definitely performed a job well done & I need to finally STOP thinking about whether or not my job will tolerate my leave & take care of me. That's SUPER hard for me mind you. I stress on a daily basis to this current post about my job position & job security. I mean come on... we all know there is always someone who could possibly do it better or differently than you & we are ALL easily replaced. THAT scares me in and of itself. I mean let's be honest... I'm no rocket scientist, anyone could perform my job, but I made it my own & I'd like to think I owned it and still own it, but as stated in the past... this Cancer has been nothing but a major inconvenience to me.

With that said... we can now fall on to the day of meeting Ira. Ugh... that drive w/my big brother to Emory University Hospital was so grueling. He was as always a cool cat. I was a ball of stress, if a kitten came around they'd play w/my tummy as it was moving so insane like it was not even funny. Butterflies? Um no... I had 2 rabid dogs fighting in my belly.

We arrive @ Building C & I get let off while my brother finds parking. I go to the desk announce myself & am informed Dr. Horowitz is in Building A. Uh.. wait... what??? I'm con-fuzed sir. Me don't likey this news. This does not compute & it adds more fuel to the fighting dogs in my belly. I call my brother to inform him as he is currently parking. He says no prob & to wait for him. I stand there & people walk by as I am holding a grossly orange colored folder I grabbed from home & I see obvious Cancer patients. The ones I feel are in more need of care than myself. You know the ones. Very skinny, scarves on heads, sunken eyes. It KILLED me! I thought great... all I need now is a 3 year old in a bandanna to cross my path. I lost it. Yes... I burst into tears, but remembered my big brother was on his way so I had to get my game face on. Show no pain, show no mercy. Hell... sweep the damn leg attitude is what this chick needed. Pootwa was already shaking & aching. Oh did I mention... Flo decided to visit one last time for prosperity's sake. OF COURSE she did. Miserable bitch!

So... we walk to Building A. I fill the necessary paperwork out & wait. While I wait, there is this beautiful woman sitting in a wheelchair obviously riddled w/Cancer. Her legs are so thin, her weakness is so apparent & her wig was gorgeous! I so wanted to tell her she looked beautiful, but felt it wasn't right. It wasn't the proper time. Or was it? To this day I question if I should have complimented her or not and feel regretful that I had not done just that. Then I hear it... "Laurie Woolfe" I stand up, my brother had gone to grab coffee so I text him & inform him I have his bag & am being moved to yet another waiting room where I proceed to fill out the story of my medical life. This is a joke in and of itself since as I have stated earlier, I haven't been the most upright health conscious, regular check up kinda gal. My brother arrives & notices there are pamphlets describing certain things such as Hysterectomies which he promptly reaches for. I grab a few, but choose not to scare myself further w/the realities of all such procedures, experiences etc. I will be experiencing. Out of mind out of sight is still my thinking.

Then it's time for my consultation. It's to start... w/a resident who's name passes through my head like the info of who's on first. He asks if I mind if my brother is present during questioning I inform him... he's my brother there are no secrets. I get asked this & that & then... how many sexual partners have you had? Um... choke, cough, redness falls upon my face and finally... "No comment". Look people... I'm no saint & to say you all much less my brother needs to know that fact is just noneya! You hear me?

Then it's back to the waiting room #2. I wait & then I am called into a room where I am told to dis-robe. Wait... you have all of my paperwork, why is another exam necessary? Well enter Dr. Ira Horowitz... along w/2 other residents. I have my feet in the stirrups... Jockeys take your mark, get set.. & exam. It seemed all good except I forgot to mention I had my period so that meant a different way of "searching" the Pootwa. It all was good & fine... the cold clamp/tire lift as I refer to that device, but then... it was shoving up the normal area & then suddenly... HELLO! WHOA... you just went into the back door! I screamed so loud, I'm surprised LA didn't hear it. Wait, what? Who? What? Where? When? WHYYYY? Dr. Ira! At least buy me a drink before going there. I did NOT find that move necessary AT ALL! AND... I have never had a reverse move like that performed on me. EVER! This day has turned into a very unpleasant experience.

Then it's time to finally "consult" w/Ira. My brother has written down questions. Bless him because I am still getting over the back door experience so I'm a tad muddled. Essentially I hear much of what I have been told already until the fact that laparoscopic surgery is NOT an option which means I look forward to a lovely bikini line slicing AND I was asked to sign a release waiver stating I give permission for Ira to not only remove the uterus, cervix & a whole lotta lymph nodes, but I am now told my ovaries could possibly be removed. Ira informs me he won't know until he knows what he is looking at. Ok 1st the bikini line slice... I was hoping for the whole laparoscopic procedure because it meant less recovery time & less invasive surgery. Ira informed me because it's at the bikini line it could be hidden. I replied, "Well thank Gawd for that because my Sports Illustrated Bikini Modeling career was far from over." Are you kidding me? I could care less about a fucking scar! I care about the fact I am ACTUALLY going to really be sliced/cut into. THAT scares me! I will not lie... THAT scares the FUCK out of me. Yeah I said FUCK cuz I am THAT scared. But hey... this is what this blog is all about. I am doing my best to include everyone on this journey & get you engaged into EVERYTHING I experience. The good, the bad, the hilarious & well... the scary as fuck crap. I am also informed I have to get an abdominal, chest & cervical MRI. Oh goody. I can't wait to enter the tube. I mean this isn't my Blue Crush/North Shore moment. I am hardly riding the tube. I hear these things can be quite unpleasant. So that's this coming Monday the 28th then Wednesday the 30th I go to do pre-op where I meet my anesthesiologist. Please if there is a god... make him cute. Hey... a girl can dream right?

So ok... waiver signed I then discover I can't get surgery until April 8th. Oh like that didn't send all sorts of stress flying throughout my entire body because I had informed my work I thought I'd have an earlier date & oh yeah forgot to mention... recovery time from the bikini slashing radical hysterectomy requires a 6-8 week period. This means longer time away from work & more importantly... time from my home. Away from my friends, my putty tats & my just all around comfort of home. I have informed my HR dept. of the change, all seems acceptable, but I can't lie that I'm not nervous. Oh & now that whole month long preparations/packing... all shot to Hell. Wardrobe?

So now... now we wait & in the meantime I enjoy life & make due & tomorrow I will inform everyone of what that time has been made up of & I feel FINALLY I may have this damn blog caught up to as current time as possible. I DO feel guilty that I have this free time before surgery. I mean is it wrong to relax like this when I have a job? Should I be taking care of someone else's stuff before I take care of mine? I answer this by saying yes I should. I mean the tough get tougher. As they say in Monty Python's Holy Grail... "It's only a flesh wound!" I don't know. I feel guilty about having Cancer. I know others tell me to care about me, but I have always been one to care for others it's just weird. But... I do what I do, type what I type & live life best I can & to it's fullest right now & try to convince myself the guilt is ridonculous!

So tomorrow/today on East Coast time which I currently reside... I bid you all a goodnight/morning & do my best to promise to enter more on a regular basis. I AM going to a car show today w/my nephew which isn't necessarily something that scares me, but not something I'd normally do, but hey... it's family & who knows... maybe there is a chance to win a kick-ass car. Again... another example of a girl's dream.

As I always say... brothers & sisters, ladies & gents... early detection is KEY! Check yourself before you wreck yourself & become like me.

Love to all that are following.

Ovaries Out!

-L